Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Shall we dance?

(This is a 'post' which I hadn't posted, just like the one before ... this is from last week sometime ;-)

I miss dancing. I really do. I think I need to find someone who likes to dance. Maybe I should take up dance lessons. We just watched ‘Shall we dance’ starring Richard Gere, Susan Sarandon and Jennifer Lopes. I wish I knew all those fancy dance steps. Think I will look for someone who can dance next time.

I put my profile back up on the dating site this past week. It’s weird to think that in the space of 24 hours 360+ people looked at it and saw my face. It’s weird when you see the same people looking at your profile over and over. It’s weird. Really truly weird. I’ve been on and off that site since last December. I’ve made an incredible friend, spoken to some strange people and met a few in person. Not many mind you, I’m fairly nervous of meeting them in person. It’s funny that someone I spoke to for two months commented saying that he hoped I wasn’t referring to him with what I wrote about my ‘Ideal Match’. I laughed! It tickled my funny bone. I guess in some way it was about him, how could it not be when he was the only person I was in contact with. I really wish men didn’t play so many games! All these wishes, heck, I need a magic wand.

But it’s always there in the back of mind, what am I looking for, who will he be, will he accept all these children, could he handle all these children? Am I actually looking? I have this emptiness, an unfulfilled space in my life. I get so incredibly lonely at times; I think I may die of a lonely heart. But I don’t want to jump recklessly into a bad relationship just for the sake of having someone here. I have to think about these children and their lives and their future and the reality that anyone I get involved with will have an influence on them. I do wish that someone would say ‘Shall we Dance’.

I got my naval pierced on Thursday. I’ve wanted to do it for the longest time, but of course, the ex would have freaked. Miss T thought I wouldn’t go through with it, but I did. There was a moment where I thought “Anymore pain and he’ll have to stop” and just then I looked down and he was putting the screw part on the top of the ring on. Oh relief, such relief, it was done. It didn’t hurt half as bad as I thought it would. Miss T got her naval re-pierced and her boyfriend had his tongue pierced – youch. I still think about a tattoo, but that may well be pushing the limits. Maybe I should rather invest in Dance lessons ;-)

So we’re going to a dinner dance place to celebrate in three weeks. I can’t believe I’m turning 40!! I still feel 25. On Mr L’s birthday my one friend made a comment about me dancing and being silly and another turned and said ‘She’ll never grow old’ … I liked that comment and you know what, it’s true, I’ll never grow old, there are more grey hairs on my head than I’ll ever acknowledge, but I’ll never grow old. I have more wrinkles than I like, but I’ll never grow old. I have a feeling of youth deep in my soul. I look at the teenagers around and a part of me envies them, I wish there were a way to recapture all the years that have passed. Hopefully, I’ll get wisdom, but old, never NEVER never. I want to keep this youthful approach to life, I want to keep this will to live and love and laugh and share and enjoy and savour and the wanting to try everything and do everything and a sense of silliness, but mostly, I want to love truly and laugh deeply and share freely … wanna come along?

Let’s dance, let’s lose ourselves in the rhythm of life, lets take two steps instead of one and let’s shake off the old, lets do the dance of life and maybe, we’ll find love in the dance.


  1. Dear friend,

    I am so glad to see your posts. It is always nice to hear from you.

    I am envious that you have a naval you can show off at 40 to get pierced LOL I am glad you are daydreaming. I am hating that the SOB is moving to Houston. I am loving that you are better than okay - you seem to be doing great.

    So much in a year.

    Love you, miss you, think of you all the time.

  2. Hey girl, I miss you and your sister. Do you ever hear from Saskia? WE were talking about her int he group today and wondering how she is.


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Thanks again, Wendy