Monday, August 31, 2009

Time to heal, time to be healthy

Finally on Friday, after feeling 'tired' for what feels like forever and, by forever I mean something like 2 years and not getting much joy from my visits to my GP, I went to see my Homeopath. I adore this woman. She's sweet and caring and honest and you she LISTENS. More than that, I think she 'HEARS' what you're saying and what you're not saying - she asks questions, she doesn't just leave it. As she said, I'd not have gone to see if I felt healthy, which is true and pretty obvious and if I felt that I was in control, powerful, managing.

Our first visit to her was when Miz T was about 5 years old and the GP wanted to send her to the asthma clinic and my instincts kept 'screaming' no. Our Homeopath found her to be ueber allergic to wheat and dairy products and she sorted this child out. It was incredible. She also helped with my ex's extreme acid reflux. So, after at least 3 visits to the GP and Gynae and me still feeling like a washed out old rag, I thought IT IS TIME.

So, after putting it off for absolute ages, I made an appointment last week. I ended up spending two hours with her on Friday. Two very interesting hours. Two hours that saw all kinds of issues come up. Guess I should explain that she does not do the usual 'here's meds, feel better, call me if you need me' - she checked my tongue - yip, you are very tired she says, she checked my Iris ... seems sugar count could be out, thyroid could be sluggish. She did the little probe stuff on the fingers ... this morning I went to have blood taken for testing ... insulin, glucose, thyroid and to see if there are any infections that they can find in my bloodwork and one other test to do with Cardiovasclar/skeletal. I think part of me avoided going to see her because I knew that 'stuff' was going to come up and I simply did not feel ready to deal with it, but since so much good is happening in my life, I felt that feeling like a wet rag when while all these awesome things are happening, and simply feeling indifferent about it all is just not on.
I'm going back for 'other' counselling. I'm going back because I want to reclaim my life, my power, me. I want to take me back. I realise there's something much deeper going on and before I blow off everything, before I destroy everything, I need to fix whatever is wrong. I need to find me, I need to get reacquainted, I need to find the passion and joy, the want to live. I'm tired of putting on a happy face, of taking other people stuff and dealing it, and allowing them to dump on me.
E. N. O. U. G. H
I'm disappointed that someone I am always there for 110%, someone who I stand on the sidelines for as cheerleader, did not even bother to acknowledge an SMS I sent saying "hey, I'm not doing great. I knew all along I was depressed, but I've done such a good job of covering it up, but I can't any more". I needed to hear from this person, I needed this person to be there for me, but evidently, this person is not and I"m pretty sad about that and today I'm really missing the leader of the Lion pride.
Today I spoke with my sister and just fell apart. She was shocked. She said, looking at me and how I am (how I behave and such I guess), you'd never know that there was 'stuff' going on, that I was depressed, feeling like my life if out of control ... but as JJ said at our appointment, it's because of my Mom, despite the mess she made, the bad things she did and did not do, thanks to her, I am strong. Thanks to my mother, I do cope. Thanks to my mother for being a bad mother, because if she had been a good Mommy, who did everything for me, I don't think I'd have survived this nightmare which is my life. So Mom, here's a 'thank you'.
Once the test results are back, we'll deal with the medical side and then we'll start dealing with ME.
Who am I?
What do I want?
What are my values?
Deal with the stories I've sold myself.
The illusions.
The 'things' that are causing the havoc in me.
.... and in all that, I'll find me and the life I want and wanted and have and reconcile them all together, and find a new way to live this life.

1 comment:

  1. I'm not sure if I said as much elsewhere, but GOOD FOR YOU for seeking out your happiness. I have no doubt that because you're looking for it, you'll find it.


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